Apologies again

Well sorry for the wait again. I've been in a dark place. Both my best friends have basically dumped me. They have short memories when it comes to what I have done them in the past.

Anyway it's coming to camping time and I'll just have to take the bull by the horns and go myself in the hope of making friends. Wish me luck!

Sorry for the delay

Hi folks, sorry for the delay. The medication I got was still wrong and I went ape shit, getting one of my knives. My dad called the police and they had me in the front room while he was in the back. I asked to see him but they wouldn't let me, so I charged them. Five of them restrained me in various ways and took me to the police van. There was a wet behind the ears copper in the van so I threw a fake left hook and ended up in handcuffs.

I then got chest pains and as the police can't transport ill people I had to wait 45 minutes for an ambulance. Remember this one folks because an ambulance is way nicer and a lot more comfortable than a police van.

When I got to the hospital I refused to co-operate with the Crisis Team, because they are a bunch of arse holes, so \I chose to wait an extra 5 hours for the duty psychiatrist to release me. One of the smart arse police threatened to have me sectioned so \I\ pointed out to him that, at least in this country he would have to get consent from a family member and a dr or two  drs. So I was released but still feeling a bit twitchy about the brandy \I drunk.

A short and not too sweet entry for today. They mixed up my psychosis medication and I nearly ended up being taken in for suicidal tendencies. I have straight-forward depression, but with it comes psychotic depression, where you get paranoid and things seem even worse than they are. Hopefully getting some from my doc later today.

Funny old day

Well, it's  been a strange day today. I slept for longer and had some odd dreams about getting marriage. I was nobility and was at a huge ceremony waiting for my bride to arrive. When I coke up I became immediately depressed and started crying inconsolably.

The weather was fine, so I considered going out on my bicycle, but I felt very odd. My head seemed to be spinning and my balance wasn't right. Not really the best condition for cycling. I started to get short tempered about being restricted about food and alcohol restrictions connected with my disability. My head still feels odd and I'm hoping it isn't the onset of a virus that has been going on around here. Well restrictions or not, I plan to have a drink tonight, if only to rid myself of this funny feeling.

Nursery

I don't really remember a lot about this time in my life. I do know that I hated being left by my parents and I spent a lot of time crying. I do remember a climbing frame  that I called the yellow submarine because it was yellow and You could climb through the tunnels. When ever  I go to buildingswith  that particular wooden smell that the cloakrooms melled of, I am carried back in time.

When we went to the junior school I was terrified and cried and cried. This would happen every time we changed teachers. I was fairly successful at school, but started to hate myself, My mum was religious and insisted on my saying my prayers. One of the central themes of my hatred and quiet lack of confidence was difficult to understand at the time. I look back now and see it had a lot to do with my uncle Billy. He bullied my mercilessly, supposedly to get me ready for high school. He lived with my Gran, who was his mum and with Grandma's brother James..The bullying was to get worse and change in nature and my Gran's attitude didn't help, as did my mother's behaviour

Introductions

Many people have gone before me in sharing abusive lives and the results of abuse. Thing is types of abuse and intensity vary greatly, as do the results on the abused person. What I am going to share is true, only names have been changed to protect the innocent and for legal reasons. I'm going to take you on a rollercoaster of a life, from being on top of the world to deep self hatred and attempted suicide. I hope you get something from it, even if it's the occasional chuckle or the odd tear. Any way, by means of an introduction I'm 41 years old, on disability benefit and being treated for depression that has followed me through my life. I do write the odd article for magazines; usually history or natural history. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I think the pain will kill me and sometimes I take a more philosophical point of view and say 'fuck it'. You'll soon pick up my sense of humour is sarcastic and quite cheeky. Anyway, read on, follow my life and take from it what you will. God knows what Adsense will make of this! I bet the ad is completely inappropriate!